why do parties SUCKKKK right now ... is it that time of the year (again)? and, is asking that question the same as asking if it's LA's time of the mo

why do parties SUCKKKK right now ... is it that time of the year (again)? and, is asking that question the same as asking if it's LA's time of the month? like, los angeles is on one massive fucking period and the uterus lining is hitting everyone who wanted to party the month of june? no... really. it's raining shit in LA, and it seems like i got the hit.

exhibit a) JUNE 16: turntable lab party + lacma party = a bust. last saturday night edgar and i drove around for at least an hour between the 5 and 110 (bc some fucknut decided to start a fire and the whole freeway was reduced to one lane) .... keyla told me about some "dance party" off western, so we went there. we went mostly becasue what the fuck is a dance party and why the fuck did she think i'd have a good time in hollywood. the other option was some house party in echo park, but i knew only one person, and house parties + knowing only one person (not the party-thrower, either) usually equals crashing that shit and stealing all alcohol in sight. last i check i graduated high school years ago, so we settled on this shity "dance party" in a warehouse near the hollywood and western red line station. the door guy marked "la vita loca" on my hand (three dots) instead of x-ing that i paid my 5 bucks for the shittiest dj i'd heard in a while.

exhibit b) riverboat gambler's @ 6th street was a bust last friday night. shitty turnout and the place was aghast with twelve year olds. (always a pleasure, right?) aaand, while i'm on the topic, here's the thing about dave: i love him to death. i'm waiting to have his children. BUT, the fuckhead sucks at returning phone calls unless it's in his best interest. ie, this bitch texted me that BAD BRAINS -- YEAH I KNOW- was at his house last june 15, like - five minutes before they took stage. he gave me the worst case of blue balls i think i've ever received because i was in no condition do be throwing on a party dress at that hour when i was throwing a huge fucking party the next day at my own house. shit royally sucked.

exhibit c) shadowscene. (last night.) ohhh, i'm sorry - did we just pull up in front of BANG! or was this supposed to be a warehouse party? christ.. i'm not even gonna entertain this topic for long becasue i notoriously take bad pictures - always - which is no fault of theirs, it's mine entirely. but what i absolutely DO BLAME THEM FOR is sending out invites via iheartcomix so that every 12 year old with a laptop knows about these fucking "underground" parties. YO! - it's not "underground" when you're telling everyone. you do the math.
>>> when's july?? save me. i'm over this shit.
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3JhixlMIEck

I ALMOST DIED LAST NIGHT (again)

i know that i got hit by a car last week ((or "slammed by an audi biking downtown", my friends tell me rolls off the tongue a little better)), and that i could have died and all that jazz.. but i think this one was worse.

>>> last night i was at the fonda. slint was playing. i showed up late, around 11. my friend marisa was supposedly somewhere inside. i go in, watch the band for maybe 20 minutes, then decid they sound like shit, that my dogs sound better when they're dry humping each other in unison, and that what i really want to do is find my friend to help pass time. i search the crowd for a solid yet unsuccessful 10 minutes, then decided to continue upstairs on the smoking patio... again, unsuccessful, i figured screw it, i'll find her after - then stand behind a couch to start taking notes. there was this british couple complaining soooo inhumanly loud that "this shit isn't post rock - who the hell said it was post rock? i can't believe we paid for this." i'm writing all this down (honestly, there wasn't a whole hell of a lot to say about the music other than it sounded like mars volta only with cedric on a shit load of acid.)

maybe two minute into this process i look up - and that's when i see them. this couple MAAADDOGGING ME. seeeriously just STARRING at me. HARDCORE. just gawking... to the point where i wasn't sure if a bird just took a massive crap on my face or if i was about to seriously get my ass kicked.

i let the moment register and then after a second i go, "um, can i help you with something?'

"no," the guy replies. "we're just watching you."

cool. again, this couple is STARING - the girl is thin and blonde but i'm waiting for her to start foaming at the mouth anyhow.

"well can you stop please?"

to this the guy explains that he saw me taking notes, and thought i was writing down his conversation, and he's just really paranoid right now because he's not from here and he's drunk.

"don't worry," i say, "i am reporter" - which i am - and "don't worry, i'm not writing down you're conversation" - which i was.

fucking paranoid. turns out the guy was from kentucky, freshly moved to la. what is it that they say, you have about a 2 year gestation period after moving to the city before you're ready to shoot up your landlord? yeah, if that equation's correct then this guy's got at least 6 years. he's ready to shoot up the whole city.

he said that he was a friend of the band's and then fed me some this inside information (apparently they ARE getting back together) that i was grateful to receive but also could've given two shits about at that point becasue i was more focused on the fact that i could have gotten my throat a second ago over there.

"in the know"/"friend of the band" or not, this guy was fucking drunk and paranoid and from kentucky, and i cannot think of a better example of "smile, nod, run."

I got hit by a car

i got hit by a car, biking downtown. i've already told this story a million times in person but i wanted to include it here just so that it's recorded somewhere not in the likes of myspace messaging back and forth (i posted a bulletin after it happened and appartenly that's how you find out who your real friends are, over 20 people wrote back. thanks guys <3>

>>> i was doing a thing at the smell monday night. i was there for coaxial, who opened. goooood band, by the way. charlie asked me if i think they're cover material and i said hell yeah ! you can't go wrong with a darth vader mask made of duct tape (read the review, you'll get it later ).

after coaxial played i did that thing that most people do when they realize that they're at the smell downtown on a monday night - wuuur's the alcohol? don't get me wrong, i looove that place, i love jim, i love he kids; but, at the same time, like - yo, i'm not 17.

anyway, i biked up to la cita (4th + hill) to visit tina. tina works for la record too and spins at la cita every monday night. at this point in time i'd already run into tina about 8 times that weekend alone, and tina's a serious combat boot wearing lesbian, and i've been having a lot of trouble convincing her lately that i'm not gay, too (i guess i lost a lot of credibility when i shaved my head in february). showing up wasn't helping me out too much in proving my point bc monday nights at la cita is a major dyke hangout.

i said hello to tina. i said hello to the bartender, tedd - who i knew from working at the echo. half an hour and two beers later i said cya, i told anavan that i'd write a review, and they were headlining the smell in ten minutes. so paid my tab and go. i bike down third and somewhere before spring and that el pollo loco i get slammed but a fucking audi.

i wasn't injured too badly, i landed on my shoulder. but the bike? yeah - she's a goner.

the driver as more freaked than i was. in fact, i went into shock - and i started laughing hysterically. after i was up and walking, not a single scratch on me - i broke out into hysterical laughter. the friend who i was with kept eyeing me, telling me to knock it off, this was serious. NO SHIT! but at the same time, i dunno... what would YOU do if you just gotten slammed by an audi running a light at 40 mph downtown, and the only things injured were the driver's dignity (an possibly her insurance rates, if the bitch ever calls me back), and this effing purple bike that you've had for only a week but seriously hated more than satan anyway? you'd laugh, too.

so we do the info exchange, a couple bums stop by for a gander, and the driver is off and the eveythings over in about fifteen mintues or less. i decided that i'd pass on the anavan show and that they would understand. i lugged my broken bike up 3rd to take it and myself back to the bar. i left the thing outside, unlocked, becasue seriously? who the hell's gona wanna take that shit anyway. it was purple and demolished.

my friend an i got inside, explain to the bartender (ted) what's just happend, and he offered his place to crash. (again - he's a friend, so this wasn't too weird.) i make a few phone calls but proceed to get beligerently drunk anyway the second i know that i'll be ok and have a place to go. i talked to edgar on the phone for about 20 minutes. sean was really freaked out but i told him i was fine and just wanted to sleep / get drunk / deal with everything in the morning.

i didn't end up crashing at ted's - he lived in silverlake. my friend and i ended up sleeping over at the other bartender's place because he lived in a loft two buildings over from la cita. at this point i was sooooo drunk (ted kept giving me jameson shots) that if i ever saw that second bartender again walking on the streets, i wouldn't even recognize him. the only thing i remember was that before i blacked out he reminded me ben affleck from mallrats - the douche bag boyfriend replacement.

memory serves correct becasue i ran into ted working at the echo wednesday night. he told me that holy god - why the fuck did i go home with that other tender? he was like ben affleck from mallrats - only thinner and from the valley.